If you are visiting this site, you no doubt have some issues going on in your relationship. Domestic violence against men certainly has a stigma attached to it. For the most part, it is something that is kept quiet and remains within the confines of the family home. If a man decides to be courageous and confide in a friend perhaps, or family member, they are told that they are just soft and should maybe ” just kick her out!” or “I certainly wouldn’t put up with that!” These friends or family are re-victimizing an already downtrodden soul. They may not be aware of what they are doing to the man. When a man is physically abused by his wife he is ashamed not only by the attack, but by society as well. He may try to deny how bad things really are at home by pointing out his wife’s good qualities.
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When we see a male with a black eye, we don’t for one second believe that it could be the result of an attack from his wife. Men are self sufficient and strong. Society says men are the ones who protect their families from harm. This means that they don’t need to be protected from others, especially not their own wives.
Men are taught from childhood to suppress their pain and feelings. They are seen as strong when they don’t cry out in pain. They are, however seen as a wimp if they run away from a confrontation. And aggressive if they hit back. Men can be forgiven for thinking that, they just can’t win. If a man decides to leave the situation, he feels as though he has failed as a father and husband for not being able to control his own wife. |
A lot of men think that if they leave the house when their wives are in the abusive mode, that all will be fine when they return. Denial can keep victims of abuse trapped for very long periods of time. Denial is a self-destructive coping mechanism. Denial is an extremely battered state of mind and can be tremendously difficult to break. Many husbands believe that if they stay long enough, they will be able to rectify the situation. Another reason why men stay in a husband abuse situation is the children. Usually an abuser not only abuses the spouse, but also the children. This therefore, gives the victim another valid reason not to leave the abusive home.
Emotional abuse leaves the deepest, lasting wound and is devastating, both to the heart and soul. Unreasonable demands and emotional blackmail are just two of the tools of abuse that your partner may use. She may call you names, belittle you and criticize you at every opportunity.
She may also refuse to take responsibility for her own actions and assign blame to anyone but herself. She may threaten you with an accusation of anything she can think of, so as to get her own way. As you are aware husband abuse can come in many different forms. These actions are part of her dysfunctional, abusive, spiteful and controlling behavior.
Husband abuse can involve having your most precious and personal items destroyed with the intent of causing emotional harm. Subversive Manipulation of the mind and feelings of the victim are used. The victim then becomes a psychological and physical prisoner. These are the methods that form the core of abuse. Over time husband abuse will crush your spirit and cripple your self-esteem. This causes so much more long term damage than physical abuse. Abuse devastates the mind, body and soul, no matter what gender. Male or female, the result is the same.
You are not alone in this situation of husband abuse. Don’t think for one moment that you cannot get help. You are a human being with real feelings and issues that deserve to be heard. You deserve respect, kindness and understanding.
There are places where the victims of husband abuse can speak out and voice their unique stories with other men like themselves. Some of their stories are quite unbelievable. For example, there was a man who did eventually leave his abusive partner, only to have her try and run him over with her car. This was after she attacked him with a baseball bat whilst sleeping, tried to smash his head in with a marble rolling pin and attempted to shoot him with a handgun. He did not report her to the police for fear he would not see his son again.
| Another abused husband actually broke up with his spouse before they married as he could see the abuse and control tactics she used. At that time in his life, he was not aware that it was abuse. He could not stand the thought of living without her so they married. Two and a half years later, he has left her for exactly the same reasons. He thought it would get better, but it never did.
One husband explained that his wife’s definition of an argument was to slap him around until he agreed with her. These ugly behaviors take place behind closed doors, therefore friends, neighbors and other people that may know the both of you, would see only the side of her that she wants them to see. |
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This may lead you to feel as though no one would believe you, even if you decided to come out and share the information with some one. Because you are experiencing a whole other personality from your wife, you would not be mistaken in thinking that there is a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation going on.
The goal of an abuser is to control. This, in turn leads to a feeling of power. There is a cycle of abuse that you need to acknowledge. Firstly, tension starts to build in the relationship, and then a breakdown in communication occurs. The victim then sees the need to pacify the situation. Secondly, there will be an incident, which may involve verbal, physical and emotional intimidation. Thirdly, the abuser will reluctantly apologize, say it wasn’t as bad as the victim said it was and start to make up excuses for their behavior. Fourthly, everything seems to be calm and all is forgotten, until the tension begins to build and again the cycle starts.
Each time you go through this cycle of abuse, you lose a bit more of your soul, a bit more of yourself and who you were. Eventually you will be emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually annihilated, as if over time you have been pummeled to nothing.
Husband abuse is something a wife can use as tool to get what they want. This means they know that if they push you to the point of extreme frustration, you may just hit them. This is ultimately what they want. They therefore feel a twisted sense of accomplishment. They can then call the police and have you locked up for the night, knowing that the justice system will believe her over you. This leads to the issue of control and power. Husband abuse or any other form of abuse is not about hitting or hurting someone else. It’s always about power and control.
There are many signs to watch out for early in your relationship as regards abusive and controlling behavior. These are to be taken very seriously as they are signs of your future if you choose to continue on and live with this person for the rest of your life.
The signs of an abusive personality can be jealousy, controlling behavior and unrealistic expectations, not just from you, but life in general. The blaming of others for her feelings and problems as well as any attempt at force during an argument. Excuses are made for everything. She may say things such as, ” my parents used to beat me or you don’t love me or I had a bad day”. Your partner may assume that she knows what you are thinking as this allows her to justify her actions and behavior.
Abusers are also very emotionally dependent on their spouses. Women who subject their spouses to husband abuse usually keep that part of their lives very separate to the rest of it. For example, she may go off to church in the morning and come that afternoon, she will proceed to beat her husband. To her it will be justified as she will always come up with an excuse for her behavior. Thinking and verbalizing vaguely allows your wife to avoid responsibility for anything she thinks deserves no explanation.
Abuse in any form is spiteful, degrading and no one deserves it.
Physical violence is not a gender issue, but a human one. Husband abuse is one of the most unreported crimes in today’s society. Men rarely come forward to tell others that their wives are abusing them, both physically and emotionally. Husband abuse can come as a complete shock for a man and leave him in a state of disbelief.
Traditionally women are seen as the weaker vessels and the most sensitive and delicate of the sexes. That is why, for men the very thought of being teased and ridiculed by others for being beat upon by their wives is unimaginable. They don’t want to be labeled as wimps or have others believe they can’t take care of themselves.
That is why husband abuse is known as the silent epidemic. In today’s society, women are seen as victims, not criminals. Our justice system usually takes the side of a woman over a man. Lethal violence against men is escalating and is very real. For the most part, men who are physically abused by their wives, feel that they can handle the situation or tolerate it.
Many husbands are physically abused to the point of having black eyes. They are stabbed with kitchen knives, pots and pans are smashed over their heads and some are harmed with whatever happens to be at hand. You can imagine the array of implements around the home that can be used as weapons. It’s an extremely scarey situation to find yourself in, no matter what gender.